Am I doing it, or is it doing me?

Another summer, and after a few summers have come and gone I have finally decided to get back into circuits training – a physically intense group exercise. I had been going to the gym all along, but only to “train” at my own pace, not pushing myself at all very hard. Participating in the circuits’ class doesn't only demand that you try your best to keep up the pace, whether in press-ups or sprints, along with everyone else; it encourages you to throw yourself totally into the activity, holding nothing back.

In the days following this I felt rejuvenated in mind and body. After about three days I went for a swim and found myself effortlessly swimming length after length after length! Usually to swim more than a few lengths in one go I would have had to make quite an effort. Not this time. But where did all this energy, this effortlessness, come from?!

O my poor raggedy self,

What do you really desire? Your meditation has become a fetid nest for your laziness; once again you have found yourself asleep, out on that artificial limb of self-deception; again you have forsaken the organic branch of self-realisation.

Ego is again dragging you along, as it continues denying both death and life.

Awake! And be aware: you are egoistic, always the doer, your so-called living is constant effort. Just this awareness is a great step; don’t despair. Then…at least don’t be half-hearted about it! Don’t be a reluctant doer – be total; make a supreme effort! People only think about their life being so much effort; they complain and invite the sympathy of others – which is exactly how they want it. Yes, how you are depends not on some crass burden society has forced you to bear, but entirely on you.

Watch again how your mind attempts to escape reality by rationalising it: separating pleasure from pain, gratification from “annihilation.” Watch how each man wraps himself up in cotton wool, in cafes and cars.

See how social conditioning has taught you to cling, to be miserly; with your money, with your love, with your energy. Your “life” has become dead. You have been deceived and mocked.

Cling no longer; throw open all your doors, and all your windows – make way for the incoming of fresh energy. Do you really desire more of the divine? Or do you love your little life so much?

Become empty; be an instrument, a flute through which God, existence, life can again play its tune. Then you are not a doer but a happening.

Meditation is the way of paradox; it does not follow the path of your logical, consistent, miserly mind. Life itself is a great dance, and if you can face up to your reality – yes your reality, that which you have created for yourself – you can just turn around and join in the celebration!

Forget about yourself, and become again like a small child. Picture him. So caught up in the energetic play of life that he cannot even recognise his own face in the mirror.