ME=√U (roughly)

Awakened ones have always reported seeing the rest of us sleeping, dreaming, or basically operating like a machine—today we might say a bio-computer or calculator. Yet at some level we are all aware of this. For example, I know that only on very rare occasions am I open and real with people I meet. Usually I am coldly "calculating", at a psychic distance, the "right" things to say and do to ensure a safe yet successful outcome for myself. To my calculator, you are just a significant number.

But I've been getting a little bored with this ego-game. So I've been making a few experiments toward actually encountering others... On the first few tries, others just appeared to be a different brand of calculator. But, alas! just by observing this, reality catches me off guard. I have set my own calculator down (though not out of sight) and I'm observing the other person doing his or her calculations. However, my own calculator jumps suddenly back to me and quickly informs me this is risky to do, not least because I'm supposed to be efficiently engaging with someone! But my shadow silently draws me back and I feel reality urging me to allow it be brought into the light...indeed, why should I carry the burden of being "nice" and "putting up a front"?

Obviously I am afraid to take off my mask, because what it's covering will not be accepted. Behind the mask I am self-centred. Shouldn't I just keep the mask off?! Damn no. It would get too messy, too uncomfortable, I calculate. Much safer just to stick to this game of You and Me, this game where there's a definite point at which you stop and I start, where I'm me and you are you (it's still an interesting game, of course). So I keep the distance. Right there.

Up until now this game has been good for me. It has helped me develop and become familiar with myself. But for now I think I have learnt enough from being independent. And yet I don't want to become dependent on others, because that would make me a puppet, and I'd much prefer to be a calculator, for now.